Category Archives: Weddings

Engagement Ring is not a Gift

Did you know that 26 percent of all engagements occur at Çhristmas time? Tucked right in there with all the excitement, stress and partying of the holiday season, a man and woman decide to commit their future to each other – Worse time of the year to make such an important decision.

An engagement ring is not a gift, like jewelry or a cashmere sweater. The ring is the beginning of a commitment that you fulfill when you marry. If either of you decide not to marry, you have to return the ring.

Seems obvious, right? Wrong. Who gets to keep the ring depends on where you live.

Most states treat engagement rings as ‘conditional gifts given in contemplation of marriage’. If you’re not going through with the marriage for any reason, whether you call it off, or your fiancée does, you have to give the ring back.

For example, in California, considered to be an ‘implied conditional’ state, if the man breaks the engagement, he won’t get the ring back. If she breaks it, he can ask for the ring back. Maybe he’ll get it, maybe not, but he can go to court to try.

Howeer, in Montana, an engagement ring is considered to be an unconditional, completed gift. She doesn’t have to give it back and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Whether you return the ring , or you get to keep it, I feel sorry for the poor guy who may be paying for years on his credit card for a ring that loses more than half its value the minute he buys it. (A diamond, like a car, is worth a lot less when you try to resell it.) It doesn’t seem fair in this day of gender equality that a man should go into debt to prove his love.

Engagement is a two-way street. How about couples exchanging engagement rings that they both can afford. It would be interesting to know if the biggest engagement rings resulted in the happiest marriages. Meanwhile, check the law in your state…unless you live in Montana

Job first, then the Wedding

This post is verbatim from an Ask Amy column, written by Amy Dickinson, one of the smartest, most practical and ethical syndicated columnists. Thank you Amy!!

Dear Amy, Our son got engaged. He is 26 and after spending eight years in college, he did not get a degree. He and his fiancee live with her parents. Our son wants to be an actor. After many conversations, he has let us know that he is ‘on track’ with his profession and will not pursue full-time work. This couple does nothing but watch TV, post on Facebook and participate in local acting gigs.

My wife had a conversation with the mother of the bride-to-be about wedding plans. It did not go well. The couple wants to have an elaborate and expensive wedding. My wife told the mother we would not contribute money to indulge the couple in this type of venue or discuss wedding plans until they became more motivated and employed. This infuriated the mother of the bride-to-be. She called my wife manipulative and said she was using this tactic as leverage not to pay for half the wedding. My wife was trying to make a point that the focus needs to be on the motivation and employment of these adults. Are we wrong in our thinking?

A concerned dad

Dear Dad,

You should not be discussing this wedding with the fiancee’s parents, but with the couple. Whenever someone asks you to pay for something, this puts you in a position to make a choice about the proposed investment. If the fiancee’s mother says you are trying to manipulate through money, you can truthfully respond,”Damn straight, we are.”

Couples should finance their own weddings. If they want money from you, then they are going to have to be brave enough to lay out their case, and not send mommy to do their asking. Basically, you and your wife are doing what the fiancee’s parents won’t do – setting firm boundaries and making sound financial choices.

Your stance should be,”We are not against this marriage, but if the couple wants this fancy wedding, they should get jobs, save up, and contribute toward it. If they do, then we will reconsider our position.”

Amen and thank you again, Amy!

Marrying for Money

Is there anything wrong with marrying for money? Few women I know will admit to it, but after meeting their mate, I can’t help wondering if they think anyone is fooled. For example, does anyone think that Anna Nicole Smith, a model for Guess and Playboy magazine married 89-year-old oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II for love?

At least the practice isn’t the dirty little secret it used to be. If you google ‘marrying for money’, dozens of pages of articles and websites encourage you to do just that. Daphne Merkin, writer and journalist, is honest about  her refusal to marry for money. She writes “If the man is rich enough, one overlooks everything. He can be bald, hairy, have a stomach that hangs like an apron and be really under-endowed.”

I have met many women who won’t admit that they married for money, but freely confess that they stay married because of the money. A woman in one of my seminars said “Am I happily married? That’s beside the point. I know what I’ve got – and at least he has money.”

Many of the other women agreed with her. One woman said  “Don’t you feel like you sold your soul just for the money?” Hey, souls are sold for lots of other things as well.

Is there a difference between going into marriage for the money and staying married for the money? Is it wrong to believe that money makes someone more interesting? If marriage buys you a lifestyle you want, are you selling your soul by opting for security and stability over romantic love and passion?

The statistics on love and passion aren’t that impressive. Presumably passion evaporates within the first two years of marriage. There’s no guarantee that love will last, but having money is a good diversion. How would you advise your daughter?

Check out the other blogs about love, marriage and money at http://www.financialintimacy.com

Brides Rethinking Extravagant Weddings

Many brides- to-be are beginning to function in the real world, trading extravagant credit card weddings for an event they can actually afford. These savvy brides are beginning to run their numbers , rearrange priorities and ask questions that really matter.

For example, wouldn’t $30,000 pay off the graduate school loans? Do I really need 200 wedding guests? If a wedding lunch costs half of a wedding dinner, do we really need moonlight? The iPod is paid for;  do we really need the DJ’s banter in between dance numbers? Perhaps most important, should my parents really be cutting into their retirement savings to pay for my wedding?

Finally, a glimmer of reason is emerging. Couples are moving up wedding dates for year-end tax breaks and substantial savings on health insurance premiums. Some are combining plans to marry with a year-end vacation.

And then there’s the ultimate voice of reason – the bride who realizes that the cost of her wedding day could be the down payment on a house. She is smart enough to say “The wedding is one day. The house is going to last a lot longer than that”.

Unfortunately, with two million weddings annually in the U.S. the $160 billion wedding industry isn’t tightening its belt just yet. Let’s give it a few more years of savvy brides.

Is Marriage About Sex and Stuff?

Oh, it’s so unromantic.
A study at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that 27 percent of men and 14 percent of women undergraduates were willing to trade favors or gifts for sex. And although they weren’t hard up for resources, the students surveyed “recognized the value of this socioeconomic currency system.”

The study, led by Dr. Daniel Kruger and published in the prestigious journal Evolutionary Psychology concluded that  “perhaps the ‘romance’ in romantic relationships facilitates stability by avoiding the recognition of exchanges”.

Could it really be all about sex and favors and stuff? Have we sugarcoated the barter system to fool ourselves about why we choose a particular mate? Does this subconscious equivalency meter rule our choice for marriage partner? Is romantic love no more than an alibi for instinctual behavior lodged deep in our reptilian brain?

Apparently, a partner who provides more resources — wealth, shelter, home repairs — is seen as more attractive and stands to reap more sexual rewards. Could the handyman with the fully loaded tool belt be the human equivalent of the male bower bird ?

“Call it crass, sexist or gender stereotyping all you want, but there are thousands of years of biological programming at work here”, says Dr. Chris Fariello, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy at the Council for Relationships. He and other scientists believe that regardless of our motivation, we’re hardwired to use our bodies as a bargaining chip.

Plain and simple, a partner who provides more resources — wealth, shelter, home repairs — is seen as more attractive and stands to reap more sexual rewards.
“I don’t get anybody in my office who says, ‘My husband sits on the couch all day and eats bonbons, and I want to have sex with him all the time.”

What could Home Depot do with that!
http://tinyurl.com/p9mqsyj

 

Letter to the Winter Bride

I’m thrilled that you’ve found the man of your dreams. But frankly, your choosing to be married at a posh resort in the Bahamas is going to present financial challenges for us, your invited guests. Yes, we realize it’s a winter wedding so you have to head south because the weather is more predictable. And yes, that’s where you met your husband-to-be on a scuba diving trip.

Sure you’re special, and I’d love to celebrate with you, but you’re costing me a lot more than I intended to spend. I appreciate that you managed to get deluxe accommodations for all of us at a discount. I know how much time and attention you devoted to making sure that we have a wonderful time. But this is your wedding, not mine. This is your decision, not mine. The $1,000 it will cost me to be at your wedding ( not including the gift from your registry) is really a financial stretch, especially since your destination wedding is the third one I’ve been invited to this year.

Does this sound petty? Probably, but it’s also realistic. This destination wedding is also a financial burden for your family. They know it’s your special day, that you’re in love and that a wedding is once in a lifetime (theoretically). But promise me, that if you marry again, which statistics show you probably will, you’ll  either pay my way for your wedding weekend or you’ll remarry closer to home.

 

 

No Such Thing as Financial Romance

During a radio interview, the host asked me why I didn’t think it was a good idea to get engaged at Christmas. “Christmas is for exchanging gifts” I said. “An engagement ring is definitely not a gift. It’s a precursor to a contract, a marriage contract.” Not exactly the same category as perfume ,a cashmere sweater or Kate Spade handbag.

“Are you trying to take the romance out of marriage?” he asked combatively. I reassured him that I’m a big fan of romance in context, but the decision to marry should not be based on romance. Let’s face it – romance isn’t much use when it comes to dealing with the day-to-day realities of joining one’s life with another person.

Here’s how the dictionary defines romantic – dreamy, quixotic, impractical. Tending toward make believe, illusion. Characterized by or arising from idealistic or impractical attitudes and expectations.

Contrast that with words that mean intimacy – familiarity, closeness, understanding, confidence, relationship, transparency.

Intimacy gives us a better shot at not being disappointed with the person we marry. Our eyes are open wider going into marriage. We’re still going to learn a lot about this person  before we married, but at least we’ll be realistic about the fact that there will be surprises. The real person was always there. We just didn’t see it because it was obscured by romance.

So to that ‘romantic’ radio talk show host, I’m trying to strengthen marriage by encouraging financial intimacy, not financial romance. There’s no such thing – financial romance exists only in bridal magazines which devote very little space to the subject of money. Their focus is your wedding, not your marriage.

You probably noticed that a perfect wedding doesn’t foretell a happy marriage, especially if marriage begins with mountains of wedding debt you’re still paying off when the first baby arrives. Nothing romantic about that, is there?

 

Couples Rethink Wedding Costs

Many couples are beginning to function in the real world, trading extravagant credit card weddings for an event they can actually afford. These savvy couples are beginning to run their numbers , rearrange priorities and ask questions that really matter.

For example, wouldn’t $30,000 pay off the graduate school loans? Do we really need 200 wedding guests? If a wedding lunch costs half of a wedding dinner, do we really need moonlight? Do we really need the DJ’s banter in between dance numbers? Perhaps most important, should our parents really be cutting into their retirement savings to pay for our wedding?

Finally, a glimmer of reason is emerging. Couples are moving up wedding dates for year-end tax breaks and substantial savings on health insurance premiums. Some are combining plans to marry with a year-end vacation.  And then there’s the ultimate voice of reason – the couple that realizes that the cost of their wedding day could be the down payment on a house.

Unfortunately, with two million weddings annually in the U.S., the $160 billion wedding industry isn’t tightening its belt just yet. I’m hoping that couples who marry are mature enough to realize that a lavish wedding doesn’t have much to do with a happy marriage.

An Honest Letter to the Bride

I’m thrilled that you’ve found the man of your dreams. But frankly, your choosing to be married at a posh resort outside Aspen is going to present financial challenges for us, your invited guests.

Was nothing available closer to home? Ater all, most of us live in San Francisco. Yes, I know you’re sentimental about having met in Aspen, when you took a tumble on the ski slope and he helped you up, and you just knew you were meant for each other. But fifty people will be traveling to Aspen when you could have been married on the slopes at Lake Tahoe.

Sure you’re special, but you’re costing me a lot more than I intended to spend. I know you managed to get deluxe accommodations for all of us and the best meals and entertainment. The $1,200 it will cost me to be at your wedding ( not including the gift from the registry) is really a financial stretch, especially since your out-of-town wedding is the third one I’ve been invited to this year.

Of course, it’s your special day, and a wedding is (theoretically) once in a lifetime. But promise me, that if you marry again ( and statistics show that’s not impossible), you’ll  either pay my way for your wedding weekend or you’ll remarry closer to home.

 

A Most Beautiful Organic Wedding

Of course you notice their beauty – the groom tall, lean, golden in the California sun, he in formal grey, but with the whimsy of suspenders, she, demure in flowing waves of white chiffon, baby tears woven in her hair and her bouquet.

What really strikes you is how comfortable they are with each other, best friends who also happen to be bathed in romantic love. Then you notice their tenderness, the softness with which they gaze upon each other. You watch them talk, the tenderness and attention they show each other, how proud they seem of the other, how gentle, yet how strong and steadfast they have been in the fours years since they first met and grew in love.

They described it to me as an “organic” wedding, a ceremony that grew naturally from their sentimental love of family heirlooms and their sensitivity to the joining of two families with different religious tradtions.

They planned for their wedding to be outdoors in their beloved wilderness, where they could share their love of birdsong and nature with their invited guests.Their friends pitched tents and talked until the wee hours.  Their parents and grandparents, lodged in comfortable cabins, perhaps dreaming of how different things were when they were married.

When cheers of mazeltov rang out as the pastor pronounced them husband and wife, I couldn’t help thinking how lovely a wedding can be when it truly includes the shared philosophy of bride and groom. The food was simple, delicious and abundant. Because they did so much of the work themselves, they began the  process of building something together from the start.

I didn’t fully understand what organic meant until after the wedding, but the effect is clear when you see it in action. Something that’s organic is whole because nothing artificial is added. It’s an ‘organic’ event that celebrates the uniqueness of a wedding, but reflects the values and visions of the couple.

Long life and happiness to my granddaughter and her beloved husband.