Tag Archives: financial abuse

Financial Abuse Still a Woman’s Problem

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Millions of women google the phrase ‘financial abuse’. Some find their way to my website. Some email me looking for advice because they are trapped in a marriage or relationship in which they fear their controlling mate.They don’t know their legal rights. Many fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They suspect that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.

Many of these women suffer in silence, thinking that their mate’s financial control is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign of potential  danger.Women should pay attention to it.  It’s not protective behavior; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to strip a woman of her financial freedom and thus limit her mobility and options.

It’s important for women to understand that financial control is often the precursor to emotional and physical abuse. They find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money with them is really saying “I’m in charge and I refuse to discuss it”.

You may know someone whom you suspect is financially abused by her partner. On the other hand, you may not know that your sister or neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. However, at home, he may be a control freak intent isolating his wife into a state of financial dependence.

How do you determine if you or a friend is being financially abused? Here are some clear signs:

Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org for more information.

If you know a woman who needs this information, please pass this on. You could be saving a woman’s life.

Abusers Hide Behind Valentines

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Valentine’s Day will soon be here accompanied by the buying frenzy of flowers, jewelry, sexy lingerie, chocolates and other gifts we’ve been told equate with love.

Culturally, women are so conditioned to respond to Valentine’s Day that even in financially abusive relationships, receiving a Valentine gift or card from their  lover or spouse renews a woman’s hope for a loving future together.

Women tell themselves “he must love me, look at that lovely card and present, he wouldn’t do that for me if he didn’t love me”, and so on. They might think “he’s sorry about the things he’s done, and now he’s showing me he loves me by making Valentine’s Day special for us.”

I wish that was true. Unfortunately, that’s romantic thinking, not reality. A financial abuser before Valentine’s Day is the same financial abuser afterwards. He’s just buying time until the next round.

In public, this abuser can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. Privately, he may be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.

That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to future physical abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money is saying “I’m in charge here and I refuse to discuss it”.

Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

Remember: A financial abuser before Valentines Day is the same financial abuser the day after.
If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to Http://www.nrcdv.org

Financial Abuse Still a Woman’s Problem

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Every year, thousands of people search the web for the phrase ‘financial abuse’. Many find their way to my website. I suspect most of those searches are by women.

They search for information because they are trapped in relationships in which they fear their mate, or don’t know their legal rights. Perhaps they fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They also know that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.

That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to future physical and emotional abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend won’t talk about money. He is really saying “I’m in charge here”.

Many wives suffer in silence, thinking that such controlling behavior is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign and you should pay attention to it.  It’s not protective; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to control the relationship. If you’re married,  you are legally entitled to know what’s happening financially in your marriage.

You may know someone who you suspect is financially abused. On the other hand, you may not know that your neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. She’s afraid to rock the boat, fearful for her children, knowing that her hands are tied financially.

You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. He can also be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.

Beware these Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org
If you know someone who needs this information, please pass it on. It could be a life saver for her.

What Suze Orman Doesn’t Know

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I admire Suze Orman. She’s one of the best writers about financial information. Her writing is clear and conversational; the information accurate and easy to understand. I recommend her books to the women who take my seminars. I’ve included her books as part of the suggested reading list in my book “Don’t Worry about a Thing, Dear “- Why Women Need Financial Intimacy.

However, Suze, by her own description, is a lesbian and has never been in a relationship with a man.  She’s never been held hostage by the cultural forces that millions of women experience in relationship to their husband. She’s never been legally bound to a man who raises his voice in anger, or stonewalls his wife, or refuses to share financial information with her or blocks her access to marital financial records. Suze is never in financial danger because someone else is making financial decisions without her knowledge.

Suze never raised children; her nurturing instincts as a mom weren’t tested by children whom luck or life dealt a raw deal and now they expect mom to bail them out. She is a free agent, unencumbered by the cultural and emotional baggage that millions of women experience as wives and mothers.

It’s easy for Suze to provide financial information and millions rely on her advice. What’s harder is for married women to act on her advice, especially in the nine community property states, where a woman’s financial well-being is legally and financially entwined with her husband. Few things will stop a woman from asking for financial information from a husband who refuses to share financial information and snarls, ‘Why do you want to know? Are you planning to divorce me?’

That’s when you need advice from women who have been there. Find out more at http://www.financialintimacy.com

Control Freak or Financial Abuser?

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I’ve written about this before, but I keep meeting women who can’t tell the difference between a controlling husband and a financially abusive one. Many wives admit to fears they had while they were still engaged. They married anyway, thinking that their husband’s financially controlling behavior would change after the wedding.

Financial control can be a precursor to financially abusive behavior. A husband controls the purse strings, refusing to share financial information with his wife but expecting that she account for every choice and every penny spent.

Many wives suffer in silence, telling themselves that their husband’s controlling behavior is a personality quirk.They may still have access to joint finances, reasonable mobility and buying choices. They may be frustrated by their husband’s attitude and behavior, but they don’t live with a gnawing sense of fear.

Financial abuse is different. It is behavior designed to isolate a woman into a state of  financial dependence and fear. The most important thing to remember about financial abuse is that the abuser is not out of control. He can, at the drop of a hat, change his behavior to suit the social circumstances. He can be charming and persuasive, but his objective is to isolate his partner and make her dependence on him total.He is deliberately choosing to control his partner’s behavior by cutting off her access to money, mobility and choice.

Financial abuse can often lead to physical abuse as well. It happens within all age ranges, educational levels, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The rich socialite who lives in the largest house in the best neighborhood is as likely to be a victim of financial abuse as the poorest wife in the toughest section of town.

The thing to remember about financial abuse is that it often precedes emotional, verbal and ultimately physical abuse. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Controlling the finances.

Withholding money or credit cards.

Giving you an allowance.

Making you account for every penny you spend.

Stealing from you or taking your money.

Using your assets for his personal benefit.

Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, you can get help by contacting the following:

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org.

This website lists the numbers and locations of domestic violence hotlines for the 50 states.

The Tyranny of Money

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It happened again, but you won’t find it online or in the newspaper. The wealthy banker saw to that. The police knew the couple. A number of domestic violence calls, two trips to the emergency room for broken ribs. No news coverage, all hush hush.

This time, the police found her in her gray Lexus in a no parking zone at sunrise. Slumped inside a mink coat, her head tipped against the window, jaw slack, mouth open. Her diamond necklace and rings sparkled in the morning light.

One of the officers knocked on the window; she didn’t respond. They pried the door open on the passenger side. The car smelled from alcohol. They recognized her as one of the top fundraisers for the annual community event benefiting the police and fire departments.

An ambulance raced her to hospital emergency where doctors tried to wake her. A blood sample determined that she taken sleeping pills with vodka. They pumped her stomach and checked her in for further tests. It didn’t look like an accident.

When they reached her husband, in Paris for a banking conference, he was furious. “No, he couldn’t return that day, he had an important meeting. He’d call the kids. They’d handle it.” Thousands of dollars on a shrink, he thought,  and she was still pulling this kind of stunt.

“No, nothing was any different now,” he said in response to their question. Oh, one thing – he’d filed for divorce earlier in the week.

Could the police keep the car incident out of the papers?” he asked. “Maybe they could, but the divorce filing is public information,” they answered. “We can’t do anything about that.”

He slammed the phone down. “Bitch – the damn woman was always messing things up for him.”

 

 

Appearances are Deceiving

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When Leslie and Don married, she had a great sales job with an international start-up. She loved the travel, the pace and challenge of contributing to the growth of the company. Don had recently sold his software company to a competitor.

When they married, he wanted children right away; Leslie wanted to work a few more years. Don was charming, insistent, seductive. The baby was born during their first year of marriage. Leslie intended to return to work,
but Don insisted they had enough money so she didn’t have to work.

Leslie hadn’t managed her money well before marriage. Her credit wasn’t good. She was counting on high commissions and stock options to offset her modest salary . Unfortunately, she quit her job before either of these things could kick in.

When Don insisted on a prenuptial agreement, Leslie didn’t object. Divorce never entered her mind.

Leslie is now totally dependent on Don. She moved into his house when they married. He handles all their finances. She sees none of the bank or brokerage statements; they are addressed to him or sent to his office. She has a debit card which he checks daily. He insists on seeing all receipts and purchases. She has a Nordstrom card.

To an observer, Leslie appears to have everything. However, she has effectively been isolated and hemmed in by Don’s financial restrictions. If she tries to get more financial freedom, she may discover that Don is a clever and manipulative abuser who will claim he just wants her to have everything – that is, everything he will allow her to have.