Legions of adult children spend thousands dollars and hours on the therapist’s couch, reviewing, ruminating and regurgitating things their parents did or didn’t do.
I’m not including parents here who were intentionally abusive, either physically, verbally, sexually or emotionally. I’m talking about well meaning parents who had the best intentions, did the best they could, yet still get blamed for the things that go wrong in the life of their adult child.
Unfortunately, parent blaming has a willing ally in therapy circles. In an unscientific profession that can only speculate about cause and outcome, assigning blame to parents is easy, irresponsible and widespread. The 50 minute hour does not include the parents, so the therapist gets a one-sided view of people who never get the chance to respond.
It requires a truly ethical therapist to say to a client ” I haven’t met your parents, but isn’t it possible they did the best they could? It’s time for you to take responsibility for your role in the relationship. After all, you’re an adult now.”
To all you garden variety mothers who tried your best and it wasn’t good enough, you who won’t be hearing from your children this Mother’s Day, I can’t send you flowers, but rest assured that you’re not alone.
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