Author Archives: helga

What You Can’t Do When You Marry

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You can remind, you can nag, you can plea, but  no matter how much you may want to, if you’re married, you can’t plan for your future without your husband’s  cooperation.

You can’t write your husband’s will. You can’t take his medical exam for life insurance or long-term care insurance. You can’t be his health care proxy if he doesn’t assign you durable powers of attorney to make medical decisions for him. You can’t be comfortable about your marital finances if he doesn’t share financial information with you.

You need your husband’s cooperation to protect yourself against what you would face if he were disabled or died. If your husband doesn’t face the fact that he’s mortal like you and me, your hands are tied. If all he does is reassure you not to worry about a thing, that doesn’t do anything for you except lull you into a false sense of security.

You can’t make your husband protect your financial interests in case your marriage ends. If it ends in divorce, chances are you’ll be in a combative position with him.  If it ends in death, it’s too late to do anything constructive about your financial situation.

You expect him to want to protect you because he says he loves you. But let’s get real. A marriage is as much a legal and financial partnership with obligations on both sides. But people have different definitions of love, and we can rarely be sure we’re ascribing the same characteristics to your love and his love.

If he won’t cooperate with you to get you the financial protection you need, it’s safe to assume that his definition of love doesn’t match yours. For me, that would be a deal breaker.

Financial Abuse Still a Woman’s Problem

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Millions of women google the phrase ‘financial abuse’. Some find their way to my website. Some email me looking for advice because they are trapped in a marriage or relationship in which they fear their controlling mate.They don’t know their legal rights. Many fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They suspect that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.

Many of these women suffer in silence, thinking that their mate’s financial control is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign of potential  danger.Women should pay attention to it.  It’s not protective behavior; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to strip a woman of her financial freedom and thus limit her mobility and options.

It’s important for women to understand that financial control is often the precursor to emotional and physical abuse. They find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money with them is really saying “I’m in charge and I refuse to discuss it”.

You may know someone whom you suspect is financially abused by her partner. On the other hand, you may not know that your sister or neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. However, at home, he may be a control freak intent isolating his wife into a state of financial dependence.

How do you determine if you or a friend is being financially abused? Here are some clear signs:

Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org for more information.

If you know a woman who needs this information, please pass this on. You could be saving a woman’s life.

When Being Widowed is a Relief

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In the seminars I used to give about financial intimacy in marriage, some women confessed to social taboos they had never even shared with their friends. For example, one woman said” the nicest thing my husband did for me was die and save me the trouble of divorcing him.” Or the caregiver wife who admitted ‘he’s taking too long to die”. I remember also the financially abused wives who paid for the seminar in cash because they were afraid to write a check or put the seminar cost on their credit cards.

The stories we tell ourselves about why we do the things we do keep us from having to face some uncomfortable truths about ourselves. I did it too.

Like so many women I’ve met, my marriage had a public face and a private face. It endured because of protective fictions on my part that ate away at me slowly but steadily. Those fictions enabled the relationship to function.

It wasn’t until after I was widowed that I could admit to myself how relieved I was to be free of the financial risks and pressures I felt during our marriage. These years of being on my own have allowed me to live without the distorting filter of my husband’s preferences and dreams.

I was lucky; I had prepared financially to be a widow. If I had not taken the steps I write about in my book, I would never have recovered financially or emotionally from the burden of his death. I would never have forgiven him for risking my future safety to achieve his dreams. Protective fictions would have kept me from admitting that widowhood has given me a chance to live my own life.

 

The Courage to Call Off the Wedding

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Typically, I like my quiet time on a plane. But I couldn’t resist talking with the passenger next to me.  She volunteered that was getting away after calling off her wedding.

Her name was Ellen and she was in her late thirties. This would have been her second marriage. “It’s almost as complicated to call it off as it is to put it together,” she said. “Strange how everyone seems to take my decision personally. My parents,  my daughter, friends and co-workers, all trying to reassure me that it’s natural to feel nervous before your wedding. They’re saying that my fiancée is a good man, that I’m not getting any younger, that I always wanted to have another child. Why is everyone so involved in my decision?”

Ellen sounded like a woman who has the self-esteem and intelligence to listen to her heart and her intuition. I asked her what influenced her decision. She said there were red flags.

One was that her fiancée didn’t take her side when his mother criticized her. Ellen knew it would be a problem because ,when she pointed it out to him, he became defensive and told her she was being too sensitive.  He loved them both. Why should he have to choose between his mother and his wife?

Then there were his put downs and teasing, both public and private. Yes, he usually followed up with an ardent apology, but if he was behaving this way before marriage, what could she expect later?

“It’s the small things that bother me,” she said. “I kept thinking I was being petty, but how many times will I have to justify to myself that it doesn’t bother me when he holds his fork like he’s pitching hay, or talks with food in his mouth, or slurps his soup, or is rude to the waiter or dismissive to the receptionist, or, or , or………

“Ultimately, I didn’t feel like he was right for me,” she said. “It’s uncomfortable for my family and friends right now, so I thought I’d get away and let those who seem so heavily involved in my decision simmer down.”

I think Ellen was smart to call it off.  She knew she couldn’t change his behavior after marriage. She wasn’t apologetic for her decision. She did what she had to do to prevent a stressful marriage from disintegrating into a stressful divorce.

The Enemy of Intimacy in the Bedroom

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Is discussing money a hot button subject at your house?

Is your husband involved in business deals you don’t understand?

Even worse, does he withhold financial information when you ask for it?

One of the women I interviewed for my book said, “He wants to have sex every night and I can’t know what our net worth is? And I’m supposed to pretend it doesn’t matter?”

If you’re resentful or angry about the lack of financial intimacy between you, you’re probably angry about a lot of other things … your sex life, for example.

Where do you think those negative emotions go at bedtime? That’s right – straight to bed with you. Those negative emotions wrap themselves around you and smother the chances of enjoyable sex. Your mate may not know what you’re thinking, but he’ll understand what your body language is telling him.

Financial secrets can be as deadly to a marriage as infidelity. Both result in a feeling of betrayal, a lack of trust , a blow to your self-esteem and a devaluing of wedding vows spoken with a commitment to a lifetime partnership.

The law considers you to be an equal legal and financial partner in your marriage. If you’re not being treated that way by your husband, whether you admit it or not, you’ll be seething with resentment as you suppress your feelings… especially at bedtime.

So talk to your husband about money. it’s your money too. Share your concerns, your fears, your desire to participate. Better yet, let me tell him what’s on your mind. Chapter 15 of my book is titled “For Husbands Only” and it’s really clear about what you’re thinking when you’re resentful about not being treated as an equal partner.

Go for it. Your husband can’t read your mind. If you want to be involved with the money, do it while you’re still together. If divorce or widowhood is a worry for you, the sooner you know about the money in your marriage, the safer you are.

Remember, silence is the enemy of intimacy, in the bedroom and out of it.

The “I Really Love You” Valentine

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Here’s an idea for Valentine’s Day that you husbands may not have considered. Unlike many of the gifts you’ve been conditioned to equate with love, this gift won’t cost you any money . In fact, you will reap rewards far beyond your expectations. It’s the gift of financial intimacy with your wife.

How do you give this gift of financial intimacy? Technically, it’s not so much a gift as a restoration of basic marital rights. When you’re a married couple, each of you has the right to know what’s going on financially in the marriage. You’re a legal partnership and partners share financial information.

A financial intimacy valentine will show your wife that she is an equal partner in your marriage. This gift is exceptionally welcomed by wives whose husbands control the marital finances and don’t want their wife messing around in them.

So here’s my idea. Buy your beloved wife the chocolates, flowers and an inexpensive bauble that won’t stretch your joint budget .
When you say “I love you’, prove it. Open the financial records and bare all.

Tell your wife that you want her to know everything that’s going on financially in your marriage in case something happens to you. Tell her you don’t want her to be in a financial mess if she finds herself having to cope on her own. Share your password on the computer if your financial records are stored on it.

That’s love. It’s says you’re a team. That’s financial intimacy. In my book, it beats jewelry you bought on credit cards that she’ll be paying off with you long after Valentine’s Day is over.

Abusers Hide Behind Valentines

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Valentine’s Day will soon be here accompanied by the buying frenzy of flowers, jewelry, sexy lingerie, chocolates and other gifts we’ve been told equate with love.

Culturally, women are so conditioned to respond to Valentine’s Day that even in financially abusive relationships, receiving a Valentine gift or card from their  lover or spouse renews a woman’s hope for a loving future together.

Women tell themselves “he must love me, look at that lovely card and present, he wouldn’t do that for me if he didn’t love me”, and so on. They might think “he’s sorry about the things he’s done, and now he’s showing me he loves me by making Valentine’s Day special for us.”

I wish that was true. Unfortunately, that’s romantic thinking, not reality. A financial abuser before Valentine’s Day is the same financial abuser afterwards. He’s just buying time until the next round.

In public, this abuser can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. Privately, he may be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.

That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to future physical abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend who won’t talk about money is saying “I’m in charge here and I refuse to discuss it”.

Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

Remember: A financial abuser before Valentines Day is the same financial abuser the day after.
If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to Http://www.nrcdv.org

Financial Abuse Still a Woman’s Problem

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Every year, thousands of people search the web for the phrase ‘financial abuse’. Many find their way to my website. I suspect most of those searches are by women.

They search for information because they are trapped in relationships in which they fear their mate, or don’t know their legal rights. Perhaps they fear for their children and don’t know where to get help. They also know that their mate is capable of escalated abuse.

That’s why it’s important for women to understand that financial control can be a precursor to future physical and emotional abuse. Women find out too late that the husband or boyfriend won’t talk about money. He is really saying “I’m in charge here”.

Many wives suffer in silence, thinking that such controlling behavior is a personality quirk. It’s not a quirk; it’s a sign and you should pay attention to it.  It’s not protective; it’s not loving. It’s a desire to control the relationship. If you’re married,  you are legally entitled to know what’s happening financially in your marriage.

You may know someone who you suspect is financially abused. On the other hand, you may not know that your neighbor, acquaintance or friend is a financial hostage because she won’t tell you. She’s afraid to rock the boat, fearful for her children, knowing that her hands are tied financially.

You may know her husband, and never suspect a thing. He’s not out of control or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. He can be charming, an upstanding member of the community, the life of the party. He can also be a control freak with the intent to isolate his wife into a state of total financial dependence.

Beware these Signs of Financial Abuse

Controlling the finances.
Withholding money or credit cards.
Giving you an allowance.
Making you account for every penny you spend.
Stealing from you or using your money without asking.
Exploiting your assets for personal gain
Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
Sabotaging your job (making you miss work or calling constantly, etc.)

If something about your relationship with your husband or partner scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or go to http://www.nrcdv.org
If you know someone who needs this information, please pass it on. It could be a life saver for her.

Married Couples are Business Partners

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You may not like thinking about your marriage this way, but if you live in a community property state, your husband, by definition, is also your business partner. The business you are building together is called marriage.

The community property states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. In these states, whatever one of you is doing financially, whether your partner knows about it or not, you are doing it too. If you spend irresponsibly, your husband suffers. If he spends or invests irresponsibly, you suffer. There’s nothing complicated about it.

People don’t like to think about their marriage as having a business component. It’s called marital finances – MONEY –how much comes in, how much goes out, what it’s spent on and how much is saved. Money, this ‘thing’ we think will take care of itself if only we love each other enough, is a huge factor in breaking up marriages.

There’s no romance or illusion involved in running a business together. But there is transparency, another word for financial intimacy. It means all the finances are transparent for both partners. Financial information is shared, discussed and agreed upon. Neither partner commits the other before consulting with them.

Would you hide purchases from a business partner?  Would you commit to investments your partner didn’t know about? Would you spend needed capital on something you couldn’t resist and then try to justify it?

People don’t have a double standard when it comes to building a business together. A marriage is a business with a partner you love.  But love is never enough to make a business flourish. So  pay attention to the marital finances part of your marriage.  It’s just as important as the love you share.

Consult “Don’t Worry about a Thing, Dear” -Why Women Need Financial Intimacy for more information on marital finances in community property states. http//www.financialintimacy.com

Engagement Ring is not a Gift

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Did you know that 26 percent of all engagements occur at Çhristmas time? Tucked right in there with all the excitement, stress and partying of the holiday season, a man and woman decide to commit their future to each other – Worse time of the year to make such an important decision.

An engagement ring is not a gift, like jewelry or a cashmere sweater. The ring is the beginning of a commitment that you fulfill when you marry. If either of you decide not to marry, you have to return the ring.

Seems obvious, right? Wrong. Who gets to keep the ring depends on where you live.

Most states treat engagement rings as ‘conditional gifts given in contemplation of marriage’. If you’re not going through with the marriage for any reason, whether you call it off, or your fiancée does, you have to give the ring back.

For example, in California, considered to be an ‘implied conditional’ state, if the man breaks the engagement, he won’t get the ring back. If she breaks it, he can ask for the ring back. Maybe he’ll get it, maybe not, but he can go to court to try.

Howeer, in Montana, an engagement ring is considered to be an unconditional, completed gift. She doesn’t have to give it back and there’s nothing he can do about it.

Whether you return the ring , or you get to keep it, I feel sorry for the poor guy who may be paying for years on his credit card for a ring that loses more than half its value the minute he buys it. (A diamond, like a car, is worth a lot less when you try to resell it.) It doesn’t seem fair in this day of gender equality that a man should go into debt to prove his love.

Engagement is a two-way street. How about couples exchanging engagement rings that they both can afford. It would be interesting to know if the biggest engagement rings resulted in the happiest marriages. Meanwhile, check the law in your state…unless you live in Montana