It’s not what couples argue about. It’s about how they argue.
If you’re a woman, this research finding has health implications for you.

That’s the conclusion of researchers looking for the connections between heart disease risk and lifestyle factors. They concluded that if either partner’s arguing style was “warm” (with caring undertones) rather than “hostile” (you know it when you hear it ), a woman’s risk of heart disease was lowered.

In one study, 32 percent of the men and 23 percent of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat. The women who “self-silenced” during arguments were “four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt.”

Although more men than women self-silence during an argument, their health is not affected by their arguing style. They may simply make a calculated decision to keep the peace.

But when women bottle up their true feelings it takes a surprising physical toll, often contributing to heart disease, depression, eating disorders and a shortened lifespan.

What’s particularly interesting is that the couples in the study filled out standard questionnaires about the quality of their relationships. The difference in risk showed up only when the quality of the couple’s arguing style was evaluated.

The research showed that regardless of whether women identify as being in a happy or unhappy marriage, when it comes to health, arguing “styles” make all the difference, rather than the frequency or subject matter of the fights.

Here’s a radical idea -What if we required a premarital course in learning how to argue? While we’re waiting for that, if you find yourself holding back, remind yourself - and your husband - that you’re speaking up to protect your health.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 24th, 2008 at 10:11 am. Visit the archives for all blog posts.