By Joan Aragone

San Mateo County Times

Several years ago, a few days before she was to leave for an extended stay overseas, a friend paid one of her frequent visits to her father, who lived nearby.

He wanted her to look over “his papers,” by which she knew he meant his will.

“I was horrified,” she told me at the time.

Did he think she was interested in his money? Why should he bring up the subject? His death was something she refused to contemplate. So she brushed him off.

“Don’t be silly, Dad,” she said. “There’s no need for that kind of a discussion. We can do it when I get back.”

The father, who rarely acknowledged feelings or expressed opinions about personal matters, didn’t push, and the subject was changed.

But while she was away, he became ill, and by the time she could get home from a great distance, he had died.

Her grief was mixed with tremendous regret. She realized she had rebuffed a rare chance to speak to him about important issues — not only finances, but unresolved issues in the family and her love and appreciation for all he had done for her throughout her life. And now she never could.

Unfortunately, my friend’s situation is not unique. Too many of us leave strong feelings unexpressed until it’s too late, and we are left with confusion and unresolved grief that can stay with us for years.

That’s the view of San Mateo-based consultant Helga Hayse, who has a written clear, concise and easy-to-read guidebook, titled

“Money, Love and Legacy: Conversations That Matter Between Generations,” that can help parents, children, spouses and everyone else have what Hayse calls “conversations from the heart.”

“Whether it’s a talk about money, the expression and actions of love or the legacy with which a parent will be remembered, if (family members) fail to initiate the important conversations from the heart, they miss out on the chance to clear up misunderstandings, forgive wrongs and resolve unfinished business.” she writes in the book.

She compares the “clean grief” she felt when her husband died with the long, unresolved grief she continues to have over her parents’ death. She and her husband had discussed financial and emotional issues openly and had no “unfinished business,” while the parental relationships were clouded with misunderstanding and lack of communication.

But it isn’t always easy.

“People have resistance to planning. Children need permission from their parents to open the conversation, and children need to let their parents talk,” she said in an interview. “People wait until it’s too late to say what they feel.”

Women, especially of older generations, are often ignorant of finances, and at the death of a husband may find themselves angry, a situation addressed in Hayse’s first book, “Don’t Worry About a Thing, Dear: Why Women Need Financial Intimacy.”

But completing the conversation is important.

“Once you have the talk, you have shared information, then you can all relax and enjoy the time together,” she told me.

She calls that time “living on the other side of goodbye.”

Hayse advises families to consider the “40-70 rule.”

“Once children reach their 40s, and the parents are in their 70s, children and parents need to wake up,” she said. “There is no right time, there is just time.”

Hayse takes the reader through questions and common discomfort over conversations about inheritance, death and unresolved issues in a family. She suggests helpful questions and provides guidelines for preparation and conversations.

My friend could have benefited from this book.

For information, visit www.moneyloveandlegacy.com and www.financialintimacy.com.

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