Tag Archives: sex

The Enemy of Intimacy in the Bedroom

Is discussing money a hot button subject at your house?

Is your husband involved in business deals you don’t understand?

Even worse, does he withhold financial information when you ask for it?

One of the women I interviewed for my book said, “He wants to have sex every night and I can’t know what our net worth is? And I’m supposed to pretend it doesn’t matter?”

If you’re resentful or angry about the lack of financial intimacy between you, you’re probably angry about a lot of other things … your sex life, for example.

Where do you think those negative emotions go at bedtime? That’s right – straight to bed with you. Those negative emotions wrap themselves around you and smother the chances of enjoyable sex. Your mate may not know what you’re thinking, but he’ll understand what your body language is telling him.

Financial secrets can be as deadly to a marriage as infidelity. Both result in a feeling of betrayal, a lack of trust , a blow to your self-esteem and a devaluing of wedding vows spoken with a commitment to a lifetime partnership.

The law considers you to be an equal legal and financial partner in your marriage. If you’re not being treated that way by your husband, whether you admit it or not, you’ll be seething with resentment as you suppress your feelings… especially at bedtime.

So talk to your husband about money. it’s your money too. Share your concerns, your fears, your desire to participate. Better yet, let me tell him what’s on your mind. Chapter 15 of my book is titled “For Husbands Only” and it’s really clear about what you’re thinking when you’re resentful about not being treated as an equal partner.

Go for it. Your husband can’t read your mind. If you want to be involved with the money, do it while you’re still together. If divorce or widowhood is a worry for you, the sooner you know about the money in your marriage, the safer you are.

Remember, silence is the enemy of intimacy, in the bedroom and out of it.

Is Marriage About Sex and Stuff?

Oh, it’s so unromantic.
A study at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that 27 percent of men and 14 percent of women undergraduates were willing to trade favors or gifts for sex. And although they weren’t hard up for resources, the students surveyed “recognized the value of this socioeconomic currency system.”

The study, led by Dr. Daniel Kruger and published in the prestigious journal Evolutionary Psychology concluded that  “perhaps the ‘romance’ in romantic relationships facilitates stability by avoiding the recognition of exchanges”.

Could it really be all about sex and favors and stuff? Have we sugarcoated the barter system to fool ourselves about why we choose a particular mate? Does this subconscious equivalency meter rule our choice for marriage partner? Is romantic love no more than an alibi for instinctual behavior lodged deep in our reptilian brain?

Apparently, a partner who provides more resources — wealth, shelter, home repairs — is seen as more attractive and stands to reap more sexual rewards. Could the handyman with the fully loaded tool belt be the human equivalent of the male bower bird ?

“Call it crass, sexist or gender stereotyping all you want, but there are thousands of years of biological programming at work here”, says Dr. Chris Fariello, director of the Institute for Sex Therapy at the Council for Relationships. He and other scientists believe that regardless of our motivation, we’re hardwired to use our bodies as a bargaining chip.

Plain and simple, a partner who provides more resources — wealth, shelter, home repairs — is seen as more attractive and stands to reap more sexual rewards.
“I don’t get anybody in my office who says, ‘My husband sits on the couch all day and eats bonbons, and I want to have sex with him all the time.”

What could Home Depot do with that!