Tag Archives: choices

Appearances are Deceiving

When Leslie and Don married, she had a great sales job with an international start-up. She loved the travel, the pace and challenge of contributing to the growth of the company. Don had recently sold his software company to a competitor.

When they married, he wanted children right away; Leslie wanted to work a few more years. Don was charming, insistent, seductive. The baby was born during their first year of marriage. Leslie intended to return to work,
but Don insisted they had enough money so she didn’t have to work.

Leslie hadn’t managed her money well before marriage. Her credit wasn’t good. She was counting on high commissions and stock options to offset her modest salary . Unfortunately, she quit her job before either of these things could kick in.

When Don insisted on a prenuptial agreement, Leslie didn’t object. Divorce never entered her mind.

Leslie is now totally dependent on Don. She moved into his house when they married. He handles all their finances. She sees none of the bank or brokerage statements; they are addressed to him or sent to his office. She has a debit card which he checks daily. He insists on seeing all receipts and purchases. She has a Nordstrom card.

To an observer, Leslie appears to have everything. However, she has effectively been isolated and hemmed in by Don’s financial restrictions. If she tries to get more financial freedom, she may discover that Don is a clever and manipulative abuser who will claim he just wants her to have everything – that is, everything he will allow her to have.

If I Had A Year to Live…

When I was younger, I made New Year resolutions only to have them evaporate after a few weeks. Using a matrix of goals, timetable, action plan and reward system, I would track my progress. I don’t do that anymore.

Realizing that life is too short for everything, I struggled with how to maintain a balance between what I like to do and what I felt I ought to do. I came up with a formula that works better for me.
If I had a year to live, would I spend 15 minutes doing this?


It works for me in situations where I have a choice. For example, how do I want to spend my time? Do I really want to be on that committee, attend that lecture or class, learn to play bridge? If I’m not actively enthusiastic about something or someone, I don’t do it.

I don’t have to beat myself up about the choice because for me, it’s obvious. One year, 15 minutes? Yes or no.

In situations where I don’t have a choice, there’s no conflict. I might procrastinate a little, but I do it because I know I’ll feel good afterward.

Try the formula. You can do it all year round without keeping track of anything. If it doesn’t work for you, you can always go back to resolutions.

If you knew you had only one year left to live , would you spend 15 minutes making New Year resolutions?

Happy 2012. May whatever you wish for be yours.