Tag Archives: brides

Job first, then the Wedding

This post is verbatim from an Ask Amy column, written by Amy Dickinson, one of the smartest, most practical and ethical syndicated columnists. Thank you Amy!!

Dear Amy, Our son got engaged. He is 26 and after spending eight years in college, he did not get a degree. He and his fiancee live with her parents. Our son wants to be an actor. After many conversations, he has let us know that he is ‘on track’ with his profession and will not pursue full-time work. This couple does nothing but watch TV, post on Facebook and participate in local acting gigs.

My wife had a conversation with the mother of the bride-to-be about wedding plans. It did not go well. The couple wants to have an elaborate and expensive wedding. My wife told the mother we would not contribute money to indulge the couple in this type of venue or discuss wedding plans until they became more motivated and employed. This infuriated the mother of the bride-to-be. She called my wife manipulative and said she was using this tactic as leverage not to pay for half the wedding. My wife was trying to make a point that the focus needs to be on the motivation and employment of these adults. Are we wrong in our thinking?

A concerned dad

Dear Dad,

You should not be discussing this wedding with the fiancee’s parents, but with the couple. Whenever someone asks you to pay for something, this puts you in a position to make a choice about the proposed investment. If the fiancee’s mother says you are trying to manipulate through money, you can truthfully respond,”Damn straight, we are.”

Couples should finance their own weddings. If they want money from you, then they are going to have to be brave enough to lay out their case, and not send mommy to do their asking. Basically, you and your wife are doing what the fiancee’s parents won’t do – setting firm boundaries and making sound financial choices.

Your stance should be,”We are not against this marriage, but if the couple wants this fancy wedding, they should get jobs, save up, and contribute toward it. If they do, then we will reconsider our position.”

Amen and thank you again, Amy!

The Wedding To-Do List

Just about now, millions of May and June brides have a to- do checklist about details for the wedding. Gift registry, venue, invitations, music, reception menu, favors, flowers,   bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding gown, tuxedo, cake, rings, photographer, videographer…All the stuff that modern brides believe they must have.

I’ll bet that if I checked the to do-list of a million of those brides, I wouldn’t find a reference to FICO scores, budgets, premarital financial counseling, checking accounts, community or separate property or any other aspects of the financial life the couple will share.

The soon to be marrieds may never have had The Conversation, or any conversation, about money and how they will handle it in their marriage. They may be counting on their love to handle any conflicts that come up about money.

She may not want to anger him by bringing up the money subject – again. He may not know how vital it is to discuss money. If they can’t do it before marriage, it will only be more uncomfortable for them as husband and wife.

No one enters marriage believing they will be part of the one third of couples who divorce. Bathed in love, fantasy and hope, too many newlyweds take one of the biggest steps in their life with less preparation about their ‘job’ than McDonald’s workers get.

I recently met a bride to be who assured me everything would probably work out all right because they both had their own credit cards, and their plan was to pay things off slowly. I didn’t know where to start explaining that this wasn’t a good plan. All I could do was hand her a copy of my book. Hopefully, she’ll read it as part of her wedding to do list.